True grit is in knowing when to persist, and when to step away

Recently I was spending a day at a college campus talking to students training to be psychologists about the qualities and character strengths that help us build a good life. At the end of the session, one of the students asked me, “There is so much conversation around hustling these days with social media full of stories of people doing that, and all of which makes it seem like if you continue to grit, you can achieve it all. Is that true?”
I loved the question. If there is one thing, I have learnt is that we need to consistently examine when certain qualities like grit, passion or being overly optimistic are serving a purpose and when they are not aligning with our values, beliefs. So, while grit is associated with resilience, single-minded focus, achievement, success we need to recognize when it’s working for us and when not.
Generally, when we think about grit, the words that come to one’s mind are perseverance, endurance and often we see it as a quality that allows us to sustain our efforts and to not give up. Dr Angela Duckworth, a psychologist and an expert on this subject sees grit as a quality that is a combination of passion, perseverance in relation to goals that one is focused on. What’s important she says, is that individuals who demonstrate this quality bring energy, time and all their efforts sustained over a long duration. In therapy, I have seen that grit shows up in how we continue to work on tasks, our passions, even when it takes years for us to finally achieve them. As a value it can impact our idea of the world, how we see relationships and what we continuously choose to pursue. Often in academic settings this quality is reinforced as a sign of strength. Then again, when it comes to an act of creation, writing a book, completing a script, working on one’s fitness, or pursuing a sport over the years, grit is considered a key ingredient for ambition to thrive. The reality is that there are set ups where it can be a driving force in propelling change. At a societal level, so many of our policies, laws, rights that help us feel safe, allow for equality required years of grit and persistence by thought leaders before they could be implemented.
However, we fail to talk about situations in which continuing to grit away is unhealthy and interferes with our wellbeing.
As a society we have a conflicted relationship with grit, whereby we put on a pedestal. Sometimes even though our dreams and aspirations have changed we may continue chasing goals, because we feel scared that we would be judged for giving up. Then there are times in interpersonal relationships where people know that their needs are unmet, and all attempts at trying haven’t worked and yet individuals continue in them which comes at high personal cost. When it comes to seeking help for mental health concerns, often people wait for too long before they do so. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the narrative of always being gritty that comes in the way.
I remember a client once telling me how he had tried working as a consultant for two years, but it didn’t help pay his bills, and he finally chose to go back to a full job, a decision that eventually saved him. He felt he was constantly anxious as a freelance consultant, which compromised with the quality of his life.
To change our minds, to reimagine and re-evaluate what our goals look like, is important if we want to develop a realistic relationship with grit. At a societal level, we need to learn to not shame individuals or judge them if they choose to pause or take sabbaticals. Eventually, adulting is a masterclass is knowing the difference between when to be gritty and when to step away from things that are no longer working for you.